March 18, 2001

Lost

lost, seeking direction in an unknown realm

ineffective in my forgotten backwater

even fervent desire has been quenched

unlikely to ever bloom again as far as can be seen

would that the heavens would speak forth the answer

to the emptiness within, to my eternal weeping “Why!”

what mistake had I made, what task left undone

in which duty did I err to be thrown aside so far

as to not be able to even think of return

isolated by all once held so dear, untouched

yet needing to be touched as never before

alone as I’ve never been, unbelieving the sensation

had heard but never felt or known the terror

of losing the fire, of losing the desire, of losing

everything, the tremendous gift once held so close

removed by the Giver as from a wayward child

or so it seems to me, voiceless yet filled with words

unable to sing for joy yet needing to praise

would a mediator could be found

to bandage wounds that linger still

and restore the unity so sharply sundered

would the damage be undone and life continue

as it should, in joyful service to Heaven’s King

Earth’s creator and my Lord

would that life return to this barren land

that again its value could be known

oh Lord my God I am forsaken and alone

what once I loved I fear I now despise

there can be no going back without you

yet you hold me here where I am useless

even David returned after twice thrown over

your chosen to the end in spite of fickle favour

I remain in terror of they who removed me

unaware the pain and uncaring

Lord God it’s been a year without a word

if they had cared would they not have spoken

now they prove they do not care did they never

and if never have I really done a thing for You

oh God restore me ‘ere I die and leave your work

undone

I stand in terror that I have failed, am failing

deserting the highest call, but alone and forgotten

what else is there to do, I have no strength

no desire to the task, the burning flame

extinguished but a year, has even lost the ember

what once had hope of life is dead and on the rubbish heap