Notes on "Perhaps"
June 15, 2004
From the late 1970s to the middle 1980s I suffered from a hernia which I eventually had repaired at the Shouldice Clinic in Toronto, Ontario. Since that time until very recently I have been in constant discomfort and pain. Please note that this is not to lay blame on the good doctors at the clinic but which, from conversations with others who have undergone surgery of one form or an other, seems to be a result of the surgery itself. Over the past several months (since about the fall of 2003) I have noticed that the pain has been increasing and, partly out of fear of doctor's knives and partly as a test of my personal faith in God, I began to ask God to heal me. Two weeks ago the pain became so severe that I could not get into my bed without crying out from its intensity and most normal activity caused me to bend over in anguish. At this time I began calling upon God in earnest to heal me and remove all but the memory of this problem from my body. Friends and co-workers with whom I discussed my problem told me that I should see a doctor, have the problem fixed and get on with life. Currently I am unable to take their advice for two reasons:
1/ I am scared of surgical procedures. This is due in part to my extreme bodily sensitivity. The hernia operation I had in the '80s was so traumatic an experience and affected me severely enough that I never want to undergo that type of experience again. Period. However, the pain recently has been so intense that last weekend I was almost begging to visit a doctor yet was unable to.
2/ I am somewhat reluctant to immediately depend on man to solve my problems if I have not already consulted God about them. I believe that for me to visit a doctor first is an indication that I place more trust in the doctor than in God. Therefore I believe that I must first ask God for His help and wisdom before I take any other form of action. If I must consequently experience pain I would prefer to endure it in honour of God rather than immediately visiting a doctor in honour of my body. Pain while not enjoyable in and of itself, serves as a reminder that I am frail and dependant upon God for my every breath and serves to keep my mind focused on the reality that this body will not last forever, that it will some day wear out and be buried and I had better make plans in keeping with this reality.
3/ I am unable to visit a doctor, I believe, because I had first asked God for healing. You will at this point no doubt be thinking that I asked God out of fear, that I wished to escape the need to have surgery and so asked God for a kinder, gentler solution. You would be right in thinking this for it is in part at least very true that at the time I did not want to have surgery and so I called upon God to escape it. The point remains that, whether right or wrong, I had asked God for healing and that I must now wait for God's response. I believe that for me to visit a doctor at this point would be giving up on God and violating the trust that I have placed in Him. It would be the equivalent to my saying "God, you're taking too long, I don't like the way you're going about this and so I'm going to talk to a man and see what he can do for me." This I cannot do, I must keep my word as I believe it has been given.
"Perhaps" was written at a point last week when the pain was unbearable and even sitting in my office was painful. It does not convey all my thoughts through this experience as more thoughts are undoubtedly coming. It does convey my need for healing and my infinitely more important need for God. A friend of mine said to me last week that I should see a doctor since this could very well be a serious matter that could lead to further problem or death. My response to him was that even if this were the case my first obligation is to be faithful to God in the manner in which I feel I must. The preservation of my life is less important than the integrity of my faith. Now I do not believe that my life is at stake but even if it was nothing should really change for a Christian is at heart a person who has "bet their life" on their faith in God and so, whether death arrives sooner or later, the Christian's ultimate ambition is not necessarily the preservation of an earthly life but its redemption in preparation for eternity.
On a more positive note I have already noticed some very distinct benefits from my current experience:
1/ I have discovered that my family is very supportive of my understanding of my situation. While they may desire that I go to a doctor they also believe that it would be wrong for them to convince me to do something which I believe to be against the will of God. This is a tremendous blessing which in and of itself has made this experience worthwhile.
2/ I have discovered that my faith is not fragile and that I can endure some form of "trial by fire." True this is a minor trial to that which is experienced daily by thousands of Christians the world over but it is the trial that I am experiencing and I seem to be doing well at it. I am successfully fighting the temptation to "keep a doctor in my back pocket" to call upon in the event that God sees fit not to heal me. This is a blessing as well as it convinces me that my commitment to God is more than mere words and is something for which I am willing to endure pain and discomfort.
3/ I have discovered that each day is truly a miracle, a gift from God in which His mercies are poured out so abundantly upon us that it beggars the imagination. There is no limit to what God is able to do. He is great. He is merciful. Even if He chooses not to heal me in a miraculous fashion I will be satisfied to endure this pain as long as I know that it is His will that I do so.
4/ I have discovered that God answers prayers pertaining to all aspects of life. There is no part of my existence that falls outside of His care for me. It has been an infinite comfort to be able to ask for God's assistance in an area of my life where I was experiencing trouble and to actually receive His assistance. He is a gracious and merciful God and He cares about all of me, not only my soul. This is tremendously assuring.
Upon reading this you may think that I am making far too much out of a minor issue and extrapolating far too much spiritual meaning out of a mundane event. I would counter by saying that there is no part of life that is not under God's control and that every aspect of life therefore touches on spirituality of necessity. I also believe that a promise to God must be upheld regardless of the sensibility of that promise to our human understanding. Regardless of its outcome I have made, in my own way, a promise to God and I must therefore trust that God will do what is necessary for His glory and my good (spiritually speaking). If I am able to allow Him to work through this pain to increase my love for Him and my service to Him I am satisfied. If you think differently I welcome discussing this with you in a open sharing of ideas. My email address is below, I look forward to hearing from you. God bless you as He is now and continually blessing me.
June 21, 2004
Today there is no pain, none. I have been able to swim with my children, jump, walk vigorously and a number of other activities that have been impossible for the past weeks. I am praying and asking God for guidance but it seems at the moment as though I have been healed. More once I am certain.
No, not healed. I should have mentioned this months ago, sorry. The pain remains and is often unbearable. Prayer, even though it may appear ineffective, is unceasing. Why? Each and every time I have asked God for guidance I have received the answer that I am to wait. Without fail. Whether finding a "random" passage from the Bible or a "sign" from an independent external source the answer has consistently been to wait on Him. I have looked into it and there are enough passages in the Bible that refer to God recommending human intervention as His solution that my finding only those passages that recommend reliance on His power cannot be random chance or wishful thinking. It seems to me that God is telling me to trust Him and Him alone. Although some regard this as a questionable method I am satisfied that the guidance is from God and not from my mind or from the enemy. I will wait and trust God that He knows better than I what His plans for me involve.
December 19, 2005
In answer to the question "Why go on?" I can only say "Never give up on God." That seems to be the test at the moment, to wait for God in spite of what is happening. There are times when the pain is unendurable and others when the pain seems completely gone. Faith at times seems unreasonable but in spite it must remain. Abraham was 75 years old when God promised him and Sarah (then 65) a son and waited 25 years for God's promise to be kept. He was considered a righteous man because in all that time he trusted God that would do what He said He would. This is where I see myself, waiting until such time as God's purpose for this pain is completed, whether that be never or the next minute. Until then I practice patience and trust and pray that I see things correctly.
June 11, 2006
Lately I've been having more good days than bad days. Prayer in the morning is of definite benefit, the bad days are days when prayer has been absent. Confirming once again that regardless of its cause this pain is leading to my greater dependence on God. Who wouldn't endure anything to get closer to God?
October 11, 2011
About a year ago, at the beginning of November, the hernia came to a point where it could not be reduced (pushed back into the body) and I was sent to the local emergency ward. At the time, I was wondering why, with all that I said above, would I apparently go back on my earlier stand. There is a story about a man who, caught in a flood, was stranded on his roof. At one point a row boat passes by and the men in it appeal to him to jump into the boat and be saved. His reply was that God would save him. Some time later a helicopter hovers overhead and again the man is called to safety. Again he replies that God will save him. The man eventually drowns and in Heaven asks God why He did not save him. God's reply was that He had sent a row boat and a helicopter and why did he refuse the help that God had sent.
That is where I am. God, I believe, brought about a situation where I had no choice but to either take the help He provided through human hands or die. Not sure whether or not God has a sense of humour (actually, I believe that He does) or whether He was laughing at me but all along for the past few years I've been praying that God would heal me and that man would not. The doctor that diagnosed me was female and the doctor that performed the surgery was female. I guess, from a certain point of view, man didn't heal me.
Anyway, I feel better now than I have in years and I am convinced that God brought things about the way they came about for His glory.